I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
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When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
The Book. The Movie.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree