[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
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Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.