UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
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My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Erm I’m gonna say no
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
CRYING
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash