After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
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Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.