[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
You Might Also Like
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.