I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
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{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-