Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
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Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…