YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
You Might Also Like
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me