A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
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Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!