I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
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Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
This guy’s not having it 😆