Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
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“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Strangers have the best candy.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”