Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
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God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience