I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
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Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.