Me in tagged photos
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Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich