*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
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ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.