I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
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For the orator and chef in all of us
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.