The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
You Might Also Like
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
There is wisdom there.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!