My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.