nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
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I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
good for her
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Growing out my freckles.