I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
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Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
If you know, you know
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
When someone trying to leave me
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I falcon love using swear birds
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?