“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.