[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
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Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Name this drama.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*