LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
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Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Sign at work today
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.