AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
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IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
No, I don’t think I will.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon