If you love someone, let them sleep.
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Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Cause of death: Zumba
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I have obtained a hat
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.