Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
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A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.