Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
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There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
✌️
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*