Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
You Might Also Like
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus