[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
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I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Me too 😆
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”