Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
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At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.