CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
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*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
*jazz hands*
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs