If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
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Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
dude it’s called proctologist
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!