Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
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My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either