[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
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on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe