Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
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Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”