guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
You Might Also Like
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this