[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
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Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
opening twitter today
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.