I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
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I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉