Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
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Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.