Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
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Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames