*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
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[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
🛁
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
real
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am