*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
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Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.