Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
You Might Also Like
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car