FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.