My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
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Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Money is the root of all wealth
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.