I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
You Might Also Like
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Any refunds available?…
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Wikigenius
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.