If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
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I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.