If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
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Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
get you a girl who
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite