I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
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My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather