Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
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UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
When news reporters do sports stories
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack